Some people go through hell and back in their life and live to talk about it while others are consumed by the hurt, the pain, and the anger that is associated with their childhood or other life experiences. These people who have been able to leave it in the past are more resilient than those who carry their past with them. I’m not here to judge or fix any specific problem with people’s growth and maturity, only looking at my own life here and how my past shaped my present and my future.
We all have a past. My past was dotted with my best friend when I was 6 dying of leukemia. I never understood that because no one took the time to explain it to me. Then the constant torment of my brother; he would hold my head under water, and just make me feel like I was worthless and think I was adopted (still don’t have a relationship with him.) My mom yelling at me instead of just talking to me like a normal person (not sure why she yelled.) Then the crazy things I did as a teenager that put myself in dangerous situations. One of them involved a gun pointed up against my temple when I walked into a store that was in the process of being robbed (You know the things you never told your parents.) Then at the age of 19 being abused by a family member who told me that if I told anyone he would just say I was lying and the family would believe him over me anyway. Being pregnant with twins (a boy and a girl) and miscarrying my daughter at 5 1/2 months (I felt like it was my fault). My father dying when I was 25, and while I was crying over it being told “Buck up, you have nothing to cry over”.
I’m sure there are some of you reading this who know what’s it like to be abused but you are too fearful to tell anyone. As I look back over what’s happened in my life, I should have said something, I should have gone to the police and let the blame fall where it was supposed to. But I let myself become the victim instead of becoming the strong woman of faith I could have been.
Many times this one incident has led me to be afraid of the things I shouldn’t have been afraid of in life. I dared not go places by myself, I’m sometimes still nervous in a roomful of people (I tend to walk the perimeter of the room, knowing where all the exits are.) I don’t feel comfortable meeting men for the first time without my husband. The list is endless.
I am also a firm believer that our nerves hold memories of what we go through in life, like a memory chip storing away data. When more life stress or horrendous news (Boston Marathon Bombings) gets piled on top of what we already have those nerve memories are stirred up and our body responds by giving us unexplained pain, nausea, fear, insomnia, digestive issues, racing heart, blood pressure issues, and everything in between.
Yes, I’ve made peace with my past. I forgave all the people in my life that have caused me extreme pain, but that doesn’t mean I want to have a relationship with them. In order for me to have some semblance of sanity I needed to leave my past in the past, leave the toxic people in the past, and the anger about “Why did this happen to me?”in the past.
For me to grow, mature, and change I needed to come to grips with my past and say “Enough was enough.”
The past only holds you there as long as you let.
Leave it in the past, your present and your future will not only thank you but it will open up for the best possibilities life has to offer.