Every day I have to remind myself that I didn’t gain weight overnight and it will not come off overnight. I didn’t go from my size 8 to a size 18 in a week or even two weeks. It took years of self loathing and low self-esteem to get me to that point. In the past when I would lose weight it was always for an occasion like a wedding, graduation, vacation, reunion, and a mile stone birthday. I never thought I was a good enough reason to lose weight. I always wanted to look good for the other people in my life and never for myself.
I was taught to put the needs of others in front of my own. At home the needs of my parents and grandfather came before mine. When I began dating my husband, his needs came before mine. When I had children, their needs came before mine as well. When I worked, the needs of my co-workers and the company I worked for came before mine. My needs were always put far away, and I thought when I had time I would concentrate on those needs. Fast forward 20 years, my children are grown and on their own, my husband is working most of the time, and I am alone most of the time. I have the time but I lack the motivation to drag out my dusty needs and look at myself. Plus, I am also afraid at what I may find out about myself.
This morning I sat on my couch and just went through a compartmentalized box in my mind of all the times when I stuffed my feelings, my wants, my words, and my needs. I realized that some things came out of the box with ease; those are the ones I will deal with first. One of them is setting goals for myself. I have always had a problem with setting goals because I would set them, and when I didn’t reach them become more depressed than when I began the process. So my first need is to set a goal. But I must remember to keep things in perspective. It took me years to wrap up my feelings and needs, it may take a while to unwind the wrapping and see the real me. To remember this I wrote a poem that sits on the refrigerator, my bathroom mirror, the bulletin board and my computer monitor to remind me to focus on
One At A Time